Sam’s feeling on returning to classes
Note to readers: The reason for me actively writing blogs is for people to know they aren’t alone. My way of expressing my emotions is through writing, and through this I just want people to see that maybe what they feel or question is the same thing I do as well. It’s nice to know you aren’t the only one…
I was extremely nervous going into class on Monday. I didn’t know what to expect. Would my professors know I was in that class? What were the counselors going to do? Would we return to learning? Luckily, that first class went alright. The counselor didn’t even talk too much. It even turned out that a few students had read my column about my experience that was published in the Northern Star that day. I got a lot of support from those who read it which was comforting and made class a lot easier for me to get through.
The first time I had class in a lecture hall was nerve-racking. I could not sit still the entire class. I kept staring at the doors to make sure security guards were there watching them. It felt so weird being in a new lecture hall; what made the class worse was that we were in the Carl Sandburg Auditorium which was where they took witnesses to talk to the police after the shooting. So continually though out the class I kept having flashbacks of that nightmare of Valentine’s Day, when the auditorium was filled with shook-up students.
When I’m in classes now, I never let go of my phone. It’s the one thing my mom continually stressed to me. See, I used to always just keep my phone on my desk. Unfortunately, my last phone went flying off the desk as I dropped to the floor when realizing that the shooter I kept staring at was real. It’s basically glued to my hand at all times.
Having counselors there was definitely helpful in returning to classes. I’m pretty impressed. I have met some from all over the country. It’s a good feeling to know that strangers from around the world are concerned about us, and willing to come all the way out here just as extra support.
Walking around campus seems sort of eerie. Every time I pass Cole Hall I can’t help but to stop and stare. To this day, no matter how many times I’ve passed it, it still sparks a rage of emotions in me. I think what gets me so angry is that it looks as if nothing ever happened in there. Yes, memorials and reporters are constantly surrounding it, but the building looks untouched. Shouldn’t it look different due to the fact that it’s the location where a massacre took place taking and injuring innocent lives? Thousands of people’s lives were changed because of that one little room in that one simple building.
I refused to walk by it after my reunion with my Geology 104 classmates and professor. It felt so wrong, partially due to what I mentioned above. Regarding the reunion, all I can really say is that it provided me with some much needed comfort. My heart continued to pound every time I saw a familiar face. When the “mystery” boy who sat in front of me that day in class came in, I was relieved. I thought he was one of the ones who was shot, which freaked me out because he was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. The most emotional part for me was when Professor Peterson walked in. I don’t think I’ve ever been so relieved to see someone. Knowing he could come back, despite the unfortunate catastrophe that happened in his class, brought me strength. It was definitely a big step towards achieving closure, which to this day I hope to somehow achieve.
After the reunion, I feel as if I can begin my true healing process. It drives me crazy that I go through vicious moods randomly; but at least I know it’s normal. I hope that as time goes on things will get easier. One thing I know for sure is that I will NEVER forget Thursday, February 14, 2008.
Forgetting that day is merely impossible; it changed my life whether or not I accept the fact that it happened or not. I will never look at our campus the same either knowing that such a tragedy took place here. One thing is for sure, I feel as if the campus is strongly united. That to me seems so rare for such a large campus.
As the motto goes-”Forward, Together Forward.”
Tags: colehall, niu, niushooting
February 27th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Your posts continue to chill me to the bone. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Stay strong.
February 28th, 2008 at 9:41 am
Speaking as a person who’s had to deal with PTSD, I can truly say that it WILL get better. As hard as it is, you eventually must pay close attention to your flashbacks and process each thought and emotion associated with them–but only at your own speed, as you are ready.
I am guessing that your writing is helping you but please don’t hesitate also to hire a professional if it gets too scary or you get to feeling that you’re stuck.
However, it’s not being stuck just to have good days and bad days. The recovery process is never a linear thing. If you are like me you will become impatient with it at times; but if you approach the emotional work as necessary and nurturing you will be very pleased with the person who emerges from the other side.
All the best.